Trauma Bonds
A strong emotional connection formed between an abuser and a victim, typically rooted in abuse, manipulation, and intermittent positive reinforcement.
Key Aspects of Trauma Bonds
- Cycle of Abuse – The relationship often involves a cycle of tension building, acting out (abuse), and a “honeymoon” phase, which creates powerful, addictive highs and lows.
- Source – trauma bonding is considered a system of coercive control, where an abuser intentionally cultivates an emotional attachment.
- Context – While commonly seen in intimate partner violence, they can occur in hostage situations, with cults, or with caregivers during childhood.
- Signs – Individuals may justify the abuse, feel trapped, try to protect the abuser, or feel incapable of leaving despite knowing the situation is harmful.
- Attachment – The bond is reinforced by a combination of fear and love.
- Addiction – The intermittent positive reinforcement (the “good times”) can create an addictive, chemical reaction in the brain.
Signs of Trauma Bonding
- You realize you don’t like the person – For example, you may feel angry toward them but know it’s unsafe to express your feelings. You may have physical reactions to being near the person or having them touch you.
- Your relationship is built around guilt and shame – Abusive people leverage fear, obligation, and guilt. If you speak up for your needs, you are told you are selfish and demanding. Your spoken needs are often weaponized against you.
- You’re not sure you’d leave if the abuse increased – The longer you’re with an abusive person, the more abusive behavior is normalized.
- You are love bombed and then devalued – There may be an extreme push-pull cycle. You go from being someone who can “do no wrong” to someone who can “do no right.”
- You are hypervigilant – You have the feeling of “walking on eggshells.”
Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: My Story 